i suppose i should explain myself.

First off, I'm trying. I really am. I could be an accident, but I'm still trying. I guess I want things to be what they were, even if I know that will never happen. No amount of forgiveness will convince me that I'm worthy. In short, I can't forgive myself. Not yet, anyway. Isn't it ironic that I can't hold a grudge against someone for too long, but I can hate myself forever? I wonder why that is.

I just wish I was part of that inner circle. I wish I was to you what you are to me. Because I trust you so much, and sometimes it just feels unrequited. And it probably is. You have no reason to trust me, really. I wouldn't trust me, either. I don't trust myself, and maybe that's part of the problem. A person can't be happy with the world unless they're happy with themselves. I'm the farthest from happy that I've been with myself, and that's why I'm not happy with the world right now.

That, or hormones.

Fucking hormones.

I just feel like I've been blown off, ignored, et cetera... all because you're too nice to tell me to fuck off.

why can't i just be happy?

I need to stop getting jealous so easily. It's breaking my heart.

read between the lines.

Coming to some vague realizations, and I'm still hung up on three coat hooks from the past. Will I ever manage to get myself free without tearing any fabric? Probably not.

this is a subject there's no class for.

I may be a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of them. You nipped that in the bud with the therapist, remember? You think I lie to everyone... but I only lie to you. Because you're never satisfied. You're just like your own mother, you know. You care about appearances and what total strangers think.

But all I could do was close my eyes, and cross my arms and hope to die. 'Cause you don't fucking listen when I'm around. The least you could do is take it back, all the vicious remarks and verbal attacks. 'Cause I can't fucking stand it when you're Around.

just plastic with a heartbeat.

You and her, it's all so fake. It looks fake, it feels fake. It is fake. And I don't like that I get these vibrations from it all. It's unnerving. And fake.

hide and seek

I'm always invisible and I always use the same excuse. Thinking about it, it's not really him who I'm hiding from. It's all the people that think that it's okay to bother me... just because they see me. People who just like to say "hi!" and then wander off to the people they really care about. Low self esteem plagues me. People don't love me. They love Axel. And as hard as I try to be, I'm just not him nor will I ever be.

But I'll keep trying anyway.

why's everyone in such a damn rush?

Isn't it hilarious to anyone else how the ones who complain the most about "drama" always find a way to get involved in it? I have found that the easiest way to avoid drama is to look for it and the easiest way to be included in drama is to complain about it.

I never thought I'd be so disappointed. I never thought I'd be so disgusted. I never thought I'd be second-guessing everything you ever told me.

It's impossible to keep hearts from breaking, but to step on it as many times as possible is the lowest thing anyone can do. And you did it. I don't know who you are anymore, but you're not the person I thought I knew and now I know why I haven't felt easy around you.