this goes out to my heart's desire.

I wanted to write you some words. Perhaps some that meant something or told you all about my feelings for you. I’m still not one-hundred percent certain, but aren’t there always doubts? There’s no such thing as a happy ending or a fairy tale. All I can give you is my determination… but I don’t want that to be misconstrued. I’m not trying to force you into anything- I promise. It’s simply this. I’m convinced there’s something for me in there somewhere. Maybe it’s wishful thinking. I hope it’s more than that. I want to talk about this so desperately, but I’m scared of boring you with the same old, same old.

Sharing words and thoughts with people far wiser than I… I’ve learned things. Things like it’s nature being akin to lightning- it never strikes in the same place twice. Going into this, I think I may have rushed things because, well… because I was so eager. And for that, I guess I should apologize. I’m not technically sorry about what was done so much as when it was done. In other words, I regret only the timing.

I hope that in time you’ll come to realize that there’s more to love than the initial attraction and that the silver lining isn’t always synonymous with the silver screen. This is, more than likely, a learning experience for you being that I’ve gone through so much more heartache. In a way, you’d think I’d be the one with the stone heart in this.

In the end, it’s just not manly to feel, is it?

so i drugged them up with my cunning words.

I wish I could say I was over her. Not even her, per se, but... the lies she told me and the shit she dragged me through. It's taken a lot to clean myself off, so to speak. I suppose it's just one of those things.

I want to stop thinking about her bullshit, because it's making me worry for no real reason. I'd love to watch her body disintegrate inside an inferno, because that's the only way she'd know how I feel right now.

But I digress.

He was supposed to wake me with a call. In his defense, he did say "maybe." I build myself up only to tear myself down. He doesn't know what he's gotten himself into. I don't want to scare him away.

it's just one of those days. shut up, brain. i'm tired of thinking.

I wish he'd call. I'm getting paranoid. But I don't want to turn into her. I don't want to be so clingy that I end up pushing him away. Because I really do love him, of this I'm certain. True, it's so soon... and I want to trust my heart. But my brain keeps saying "hold on, girl."

I hate the head-heart wars.

so, this is love.

I forgot how fun it was, the stage where I’m still figuring everything out. As with my other truths, I like the mundane. There’s just something about it that makes me feel… comfortable. It’s not as exciting, but there’s something magical about being able to share silence and feeling like it wasn’t a waste of time. I hope you can understand what I mean. Being able to enjoy a presence without having to talk, talk, talk is liberating in its own way. I like just watching him. I often find myself staring, zoning out. Whether he’s stretching, or playing a game, or taking a shower, I like to watch him. Not like a lecher (though there are times when…).

I know I’ll have a hard time expressing it verbally, or even in words, so I guess that’s why I’m simply putting it here. For those who know me best to see, and attempt to know how it is that I feel right now.

I think that this time, this is the real deal, whereas last time I was just resorting. Selfless mind-indulgence, if you will. Because I was doing something for someone else, when a relationship should be about both parties. It was foolish, and now I see that while she may not have been settling on her wants, I was. Pretense, ruse, call it what you will. We’re all guilty of leading someone on at some point (don’t deny it). Just some… more than others.