so what's a crush to do?

So drown your mind out and scar your liver, it’s not like you need it anyway. Slow-motion feelings have a way with words. On the outside, looking into my own life I see a lonely girl with potential and no real desire. There’s more to her than meets the eye, if only she knew… and even if I told myself all of this it doesn’t matter because life isn’t worth it to me if I’m alone. I’m the kind of kid that needs attention and if I’m not getting it then I’m better off dead. No, don’t think like that, honey. Do you really want to put your friends through that? What friends are those? Why, you have so many you don’t even know. But what’s the use if they never make their presence known? You’ve got me there, kid.

All I wanted was one measly phone call. Was it really so much to ask?

I know what I’m afraid of, but the real question is do you? Falling in love shouldn’t be scary, but I know where you’re coming from (perhaps all too well). I just wish you’d trust me. I just wish I knew all the details. I want to understand where you’re coming from because while I can relate, I’ll never really know. I’m not you, no matter how much I wish I was. I just can’t get into your head…

Overheated and dimwitted by now, I’ll leave my thoughts to circle. It’s time to go back to pretending that life is a game with little plastic vans you stick people on top of.

this goes out to my heart's desire.

I wanted to write you some words. Perhaps some that meant something or told you all about my feelings for you. I’m still not one-hundred percent certain, but aren’t there always doubts? There’s no such thing as a happy ending or a fairy tale. All I can give you is my determination… but I don’t want that to be misconstrued. I’m not trying to force you into anything- I promise. It’s simply this. I’m convinced there’s something for me in there somewhere. Maybe it’s wishful thinking. I hope it’s more than that. I want to talk about this so desperately, but I’m scared of boring you with the same old, same old.

Sharing words and thoughts with people far wiser than I… I’ve learned things. Things like it’s nature being akin to lightning- it never strikes in the same place twice. Going into this, I think I may have rushed things because, well… because I was so eager. And for that, I guess I should apologize. I’m not technically sorry about what was done so much as when it was done. In other words, I regret only the timing.

I hope that in time you’ll come to realize that there’s more to love than the initial attraction and that the silver lining isn’t always synonymous with the silver screen. This is, more than likely, a learning experience for you being that I’ve gone through so much more heartache. In a way, you’d think I’d be the one with the stone heart in this.

In the end, it’s just not manly to feel, is it?

so i drugged them up with my cunning words.

I wish I could say I was over her. Not even her, per se, but... the lies she told me and the shit she dragged me through. It's taken a lot to clean myself off, so to speak. I suppose it's just one of those things.

I want to stop thinking about her bullshit, because it's making me worry for no real reason. I'd love to watch her body disintegrate inside an inferno, because that's the only way she'd know how I feel right now.

But I digress.

He was supposed to wake me with a call. In his defense, he did say "maybe." I build myself up only to tear myself down. He doesn't know what he's gotten himself into. I don't want to scare him away.

it's just one of those days. shut up, brain. i'm tired of thinking.

I wish he'd call. I'm getting paranoid. But I don't want to turn into her. I don't want to be so clingy that I end up pushing him away. Because I really do love him, of this I'm certain. True, it's so soon... and I want to trust my heart. But my brain keeps saying "hold on, girl."

I hate the head-heart wars.

so, this is love.

I forgot how fun it was, the stage where I’m still figuring everything out. As with my other truths, I like the mundane. There’s just something about it that makes me feel… comfortable. It’s not as exciting, but there’s something magical about being able to share silence and feeling like it wasn’t a waste of time. I hope you can understand what I mean. Being able to enjoy a presence without having to talk, talk, talk is liberating in its own way. I like just watching him. I often find myself staring, zoning out. Whether he’s stretching, or playing a game, or taking a shower, I like to watch him. Not like a lecher (though there are times when…).

I know I’ll have a hard time expressing it verbally, or even in words, so I guess that’s why I’m simply putting it here. For those who know me best to see, and attempt to know how it is that I feel right now.

I think that this time, this is the real deal, whereas last time I was just resorting. Selfless mind-indulgence, if you will. Because I was doing something for someone else, when a relationship should be about both parties. It was foolish, and now I see that while she may not have been settling on her wants, I was. Pretense, ruse, call it what you will. We’re all guilty of leading someone on at some point (don’t deny it). Just some… more than others.

because nobodies can't feel.

We're through, you and I. Because you never could trust me. You never have. You can't convince me that you have. So this is goodbye. Maybe we'll be friends, though I doubt it'll work until you grow the fuck up. It's really sad that people have to yell in your face to tell you you're childish, that you seem to admit to it, yet never change.

I defended you. There was a time when I probably loved you. I don't know when it faded. But I don't love you anymore, because I'm sick and tired of your shit. I'm sick and tired of you thinking you can manipulate me. You didn't make me like anything- I would have liked that stuff regardless of who introduced me to it. Don't think you're so special.

You need to realise one thing.

People leave you in the dust because you treat them like objects. You treat them like they're yours to do with as you please. You don't talk to people you find annoying, and instead of just TELLING people, you beat around the bush and make it worse. IF YOU WOULD JUST TALK IT WOULDN'T BE SO HARD. Stop being so scared, because life's not worth living if you're not willing to take a risk.

Get off your ass and stop complaining about things. Stop lying. Stop treating people like they don't matter.

And I know you.

You'll say you knew this would happen, you'll beg for pity from everyone. You'll make a sobby post about how your life is over and maybe even dig some flesh out of those wrists. You'll do anything for attention. When the attention shifts, you do something like this because heaven forbid the spotlight get off of you.

You're no better than the people that annoy you.

You're a legend in this room, only in this room.
Oh goodness me, oh goodness, my mind has slipped
And wiped you away from it.
Same shit, different day, same shit.

there's nothing pleasant about tearing me in half.

I wish you'd both reconcile. I wish you'd realize that you're both being childish. Running away may give you peace of mind and take you away from the problem at hand, but it won't fix this. You were so close and you let something like petty jealousy (over something nonexistent, mind you) break everything. It's all in your head, and you don't want to hear it because you hate being wrong. You hate it so much that you're willing to lose all of your friends just to be right.

Ever since you left, you've changed. If you don't believe people can change, then you can't even see yourself. Because you're not the same person I knew a few weeks ago. You're proof enough, so look at yourself through my eyes- yours are too clouded with bias to know the difference. Maybe you feel more comfortable in your new skin because you're not being yourself. Did you ever think that you're pretending to be who you wish you were? But that's not the person we've grown to love, my dear. We loved you the way you were- granted with slight improvements. This new you is too different, and I daresay too rash and prone to bad judgment.

I don't remember you ever being so temperamental. Maybe I just didn't really know you. But the change is far too sudden and the only thing I can attribute it to is the most sudden change.

If you must know, people are tired of hearing complaints and excuses.

By all means, complain. No one can stop you. But don't get so upset when someone tries to suggest something, and don't just write it off with a simple excuse. I know I'm guilty for making excuses, but if I didn't I wouldn't be human. Besides, it takes one to know one, as the saying goes.

To the other party involved, you're letting your age and immaturity be your only excuse sometimes. People wonder why I stick so close to you, and sometimes I wonder it too. I really wish you'd stop trying to be so cool for everyone and just be. There's a certain facade you exude that needs to be broken down like Berlin. You're just trying so hard to fit in, and you're making it- there's no mistake about that- but you're not being true to yourself...

People don't just suddenly hate that which they loved. You're only telling yourself that because you don't want the words and the songs to own your heartbeats.

Because if you lie to yourself about it enough, it might become truth.

But that's not the way to do things, and I wish you could admit to it.

This is me getting my thoughts out, no matter how jumbled they may be. This is me trying to explain what I want from you, and you. This is the only way I know how to say it, and I want to say it so desperately to you both but I lack the courage. I doubt this will ever be read by the ones that need to read it most, the ones that will understand its meaning, be offended or upset by it, not want to talk to me, whatever. But I'm too much of a coward to say it to anyone's face.