sometimes the cold of the air reaches your heart.

And while I don't regret a thing, and while I'll say that nothing of value was lost, I'll always miss the good times we had. For once, this isn't about who you think it is. Think back. Farther than a few months- try years. This goes out to all the people that I was friends with back when I was unsure of myself. Before that year when we were all set free to our endeavors. If there's one thing I miss, it's having friends that I can physically hug.

And that's why I cling to him like cellophane.

but it's not like i can give back the air i just breathed...

At any given moment, I don't always shine in the best possible light. Faults riddle me like tectonic shivers and somewhere, somehow I've made enemies. People only hate those most like them at times, but I'm praying to whatever gods there are that I'm nothing like her. Basket cases like that needn't have the liberty of opinion if only to keep them from brainwashing the ignorant. I can only imagine the sack of dung she's whipped up to sling on my name for something any normal person does: make a mistake.

I'd say I'm sorry for being human, but that's impossible.

Give me one good reason to ever trust someone like that and I'll give you ten that dispute it. I guarantee she has done far worse to anyone than I could ever hope to do and yet... well, let's not go down that jealous path.

If you want to talk, then talk. You know how to find me.

oh. you know what, betch? fuck you!

Rally the troops against me, because you know it'll happen. Oh, that tired old llama is back with a terrible vengeance and there's nothing anyone will do about it. We secretly feed off of the energy that hate generates, that fear generates, but didn't we learn anything from Monsters, Inc.? Joy is far more powerful and until humanity sees this truth we'll keep using fear and blame to fill our gauges.

And when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me you're sorry with a straight face?

it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I don't understand you. I really don't. Haven't you learned by now that backpedaling really doesn't get you anywhere? In some bicycles, this even initiates the brake. So what are you doing? Why? Are you stupid? Are you blind? Well, I suppose this can be inferred judging by past actions, but that's just it- judging. I don't want to judge you. I want you to open your eyes. Selfish selflessness is just as bad as regular selfishness.

what did i get myself into, anyway?

Like grains of sand, you're slipping away and I don't know why. You're stuck in an hourglass so I'll catch up to you eventually.

don't waste your time thinking, it's no good for anyone.

And I've made some serious discoveries in the search for myself. First, that the search is turning up nothing and we've dragged this lake for corpses but haven't found a one. I wonder if there's anything out there after all or if it's as mythical as the last unicorn or as big a hoax as Nessie. Maybe this is something I'll only know for sure after I'm dead. Like fingers undoing laces, more of my actuality becomes apparent to me and I'm convinced that if it wasn't for these questions that I'd never make such progress.

And for that, I'm truly thankful.

your line is, "of course i only dream of peace."

Talking to him and I can't help but smile. Even if he's not being agreeable by any means. A normal person might be frustrated by even this (now) but I'll only go back to it later. Blame a passive nature, inheritance from my dear father. There's something about him that I can't deny and I'm not sure what it is (but it's far from magic). And maybe if I'm waiting for magic I'm waiting for the wrong thing. No one really knows what it feels like, no one can describe it- not even that blasted owl. And it shouldn't be compared to the past tries, because they'll never...

I wish I had the courage to ask him to talk about these things and that I believed he would actually do this, seeing as it's so hard to get past the crust.

in the haze of the morning after...

Post-orgasmic euphoria is the worst time to try to think on gloomy topics… but I try anyway. What does it all mean? Part of me is happy- he said he didn’t want to hit it unless he knew if he loved me… but the other part’s saying “Well, he did say that as long as I asked for a fuck, he’d have a hard dick.” Sometimes I wonder just how crazy he really is because I can never be sure with him. You never know when he’s joking or not… and at times it can get utterly frustrating.

I’m not sure which is worse- the possibility of being used, or the fact that as long as he’s fucking me I’m okay with the idea.

so what's a crush to do?

So drown your mind out and scar your liver, it’s not like you need it anyway. Slow-motion feelings have a way with words. On the outside, looking into my own life I see a lonely girl with potential and no real desire. There’s more to her than meets the eye, if only she knew… and even if I told myself all of this it doesn’t matter because life isn’t worth it to me if I’m alone. I’m the kind of kid that needs attention and if I’m not getting it then I’m better off dead. No, don’t think like that, honey. Do you really want to put your friends through that? What friends are those? Why, you have so many you don’t even know. But what’s the use if they never make their presence known? You’ve got me there, kid.

All I wanted was one measly phone call. Was it really so much to ask?

I know what I’m afraid of, but the real question is do you? Falling in love shouldn’t be scary, but I know where you’re coming from (perhaps all too well). I just wish you’d trust me. I just wish I knew all the details. I want to understand where you’re coming from because while I can relate, I’ll never really know. I’m not you, no matter how much I wish I was. I just can’t get into your head…

Overheated and dimwitted by now, I’ll leave my thoughts to circle. It’s time to go back to pretending that life is a game with little plastic vans you stick people on top of.