pangea

Drifting, like tectonic plates. Once you move apart, you'll never be together again.

red reaches the farthest

Your rainbow is strongly shaded red.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is says about you: You are a passionate person. You appreciate energetic people. You get bored easily and want friends who will keep up with you.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

icarus

My dear artificial angel, flying so high with wax wings. Careful, you're flying too close to the sun..! If you're not careful, those very wings are sure to melt. Tell me, sweetheart, who will save you before you plummet to your death from such altitudes?

keep sucking us dry, you'll feel the effects soon.

We took you in, we've been trying to accept you, we've been trying to understand your situation, we wanted to help you get on your feet again.

I cannot help but think that you're just lounging around taking us for granted, abusing your stay here. My food will no longer disappear because now I keep it in my room. My drinks will no longer disappear because I keep them in my car. So now what? You're stealing the other food? Food and drinks and other commodities that don't belong to you. You are a parasite.

A person who receives support, advantage, or the like, from another or others without giving any useful or proper return, as one who lives on the hospitality of others.

A Parasite. I could write an entire laundry list of the things I despise about you.

she enjoys pointing out every bad thing about me.

Pardon me while I partake in copious amounts of jovial laughter all while pointing and laughing. You're a sham, my dear. One of the internet's more accomplished liars and cheats. I will never trust a single utterance that passes your chapped lips and yet, you sit there trying to prove yourself to me.

Tell me, dearie, why the fuck do you care what I think?

quit hogging the blanket statments.

I know it's hard to believe, but hearts mend. It's what makes them so incredible. They can be shattered to a million pieces, but they always find a way to repair themselves. I don't fully understand the mysteries behind all this, but I doubt I ever will. Call me over-optimistic if you wish. I still believe in the power of love.

Eight relationships sank, and yet... I never gave up. So don't you give up.

Dream it, you fuckin' dreamers.

&i thank you sincerely

Thanks for that. I really wanted to fess up. I really wanted to deal with even more shit on my plate. No, really. Thank. You.

I hope you're happy.

poll's closed.

I think it's amusing how some people are expecting either candidate to work miracles. Barack and John are mere humans. They have their views, faiths, beliefs. When you vote (if you so choose) you're generally voting for the candidate you deem worthy based on your personal demographics. Some people vote for a candidate because they always vote for that party. Some people vote for a candidate because they believe the hype. Some people vote for a candidate in hopes of changing the way things have been. Some people vote for a candidate to keep things the same.

I do not vote democrat across the board. In fact, last election year while I voted democratically for president, I also voted for my state's incumbent for Governor- a republican.

People who say "I don't like either of them" also amuse and confuse me. Surely, if you were to write a list with the top ten (or five) most important issues and find the stances to these issues from the candidates, I'm sure that you'd be able to figure out which candidate you agree with more on the pressing issues to you.

I don't understand how someone can be so politically apathetic at times like these, when the world is seemingly holding its breath.

trivialities are relative.

She's using you to get to her, you're using her to get to someone else. This isn't love and never will be. Stop pretending.

heart masochists

Two kinds of people exist. Heart breakers and the heart broken. What happens when a heart broken tries to be a heart breaker? What happens when their social experiment fails?

I do hope it's an experiment, and I do hope it doesn't end with an explosion and ball of flames.

well, look at you

Seriously. I hope you're happy.

if this is a test...

Disappear and let us forget, fine. Your life's a black abyss, right? The only comfort you can find for every scrap of bad news in pixels and program... But...

You've no right to keep my things.

asleep through all our classes.

You're a stranger I know well, and not at all.

William, you can see into my soul sometimes. I think this of all musicians, poets, and artists. Keep delving, for my sake.

if you knew what i know...

I'm too chicken to just ask. No hard feelings, right?

Moving on to other topics, a different person completely; you are like herpes. When I least expect it, you flare up and make your annoying presence known again. If only there was a pill to keep you at bay.

up is down.

I'm a close-minded person.

Why anyone would be advertising that where anyone can hear it is beyond me. Isn't it a far better quality to be open-minded? Speaking ill of philosophical discussions, based on a single story, your ignorance is showing, my dear. Philosophy is not only for atheists and agnostics, there is philosophy that doesn't require you to cut ties with your gods and goddesses. Worry not.

I wish I had the courage to speak up against ignorance. Seeing, however, the pride behind the assertion of having a closed mind, it's better I kept my mouth shut than to have involved myself in a fruitless battle.

you are the light born at world's end...

I missed being in love. This is more than a passing fancy. I've had more rebounds than a basketball game, it's about time I landed at least one slam dunk. Score one for the home team, and the visitors can suck on it because I don't fucking care how their jealousy grows. It's not my fault they can't move on when I have.

please call me only if you are comin' home.

I think that there comes a time in which people who have known you for a long time want you to be the person that they first met instead of the person you've become.

Heaven forbid I grow and change.

eggshell shards.

Trust is one of those things that's easy to lose, and hard to regain.

whatever.

It doesn't make sense that something someone once loved is suddenly less loved just because more people love it. Am I the one who is responsible for this murder? Please talk to me. I feel horribly ignored today and it's infuriating. I think that's just part of bleeding, part of living, and part of being lonely and hormonal. Don't mind me. Ahaha, mixed messages. I really need to get my thoughts straight.

It feels like there's a bandwagon everyone wants to jump onto and I'm the only one who's refusing. Hating something that deserves it is one thing, but to hate everything that is similar to it, that is part of that generalized topic umbrella, seems really fucking retarded to me.

I can't be the only person that knows how to avoid hating that which brings me joy. Why do you people let these things happen? Why do you let someone else ruin something for you? It's stupid. Stop doing it.

i suppose i should explain myself.

First off, I'm trying. I really am. I could be an accident, but I'm still trying. I guess I want things to be what they were, even if I know that will never happen. No amount of forgiveness will convince me that I'm worthy. In short, I can't forgive myself. Not yet, anyway. Isn't it ironic that I can't hold a grudge against someone for too long, but I can hate myself forever? I wonder why that is.

I just wish I was part of that inner circle. I wish I was to you what you are to me. Because I trust you so much, and sometimes it just feels unrequited. And it probably is. You have no reason to trust me, really. I wouldn't trust me, either. I don't trust myself, and maybe that's part of the problem. A person can't be happy with the world unless they're happy with themselves. I'm the farthest from happy that I've been with myself, and that's why I'm not happy with the world right now.

That, or hormones.

Fucking hormones.

I just feel like I've been blown off, ignored, et cetera... all because you're too nice to tell me to fuck off.

why can't i just be happy?

I need to stop getting jealous so easily. It's breaking my heart.

read between the lines.

Coming to some vague realizations, and I'm still hung up on three coat hooks from the past. Will I ever manage to get myself free without tearing any fabric? Probably not.

this is a subject there's no class for.

I may be a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of them. You nipped that in the bud with the therapist, remember? You think I lie to everyone... but I only lie to you. Because you're never satisfied. You're just like your own mother, you know. You care about appearances and what total strangers think.

But all I could do was close my eyes, and cross my arms and hope to die. 'Cause you don't fucking listen when I'm around. The least you could do is take it back, all the vicious remarks and verbal attacks. 'Cause I can't fucking stand it when you're Around.

just plastic with a heartbeat.

You and her, it's all so fake. It looks fake, it feels fake. It is fake. And I don't like that I get these vibrations from it all. It's unnerving. And fake.

hide and seek

I'm always invisible and I always use the same excuse. Thinking about it, it's not really him who I'm hiding from. It's all the people that think that it's okay to bother me... just because they see me. People who just like to say "hi!" and then wander off to the people they really care about. Low self esteem plagues me. People don't love me. They love Axel. And as hard as I try to be, I'm just not him nor will I ever be.

But I'll keep trying anyway.

why's everyone in such a damn rush?

Isn't it hilarious to anyone else how the ones who complain the most about "drama" always find a way to get involved in it? I have found that the easiest way to avoid drama is to look for it and the easiest way to be included in drama is to complain about it.

I never thought I'd be so disappointed. I never thought I'd be so disgusted. I never thought I'd be second-guessing everything you ever told me.

It's impossible to keep hearts from breaking, but to step on it as many times as possible is the lowest thing anyone can do. And you did it. I don't know who you are anymore, but you're not the person I thought I knew and now I know why I haven't felt easy around you.

dismissed traffic signs always lead to tragedy.

Why didn't I see it coming a mile away? Why don't I ever heed any warnings? Why do I insist on doing things my way when I know "my way" is a pain-filled one? You tell me, dear reader. Because I'll surely never know the workings of my own mind. I'm that sort of crazy, bat-shit insane, and contemplative. Get to know me, before throwing me away or before assuming past fucks know all. Four months told him nothing of me, otherwise he wouldn't have let me go. Herding beasts gather 'round and take his word for it, against the advice of the reading rainbow... and it's just one of those times when I desperately want to scream for these men to have the balls to have a mind of their own. Why do I care? I'm over them all. No more lackluster trials and errors, stopping for games is clearly where I'm getting into the infected batch.

So I will look elsewhere, in places that I have never looked for validation and amusement. And if I'm lucky, love will find me this time.

Hangman, it's not your fault.

you better open the door before i take a hammer to the walls around it.

Is it really so much to ask for people to just say what the mean and mean what they say?

i don't know what to do with myself or you.

I should call you and straighten things out, but I don't think you're ever alone and I'd hate it if people were around when I pour my heart out. I wish I could just corner you somehow, like the times we were in your car at night, and just tell you what I feel and not be so scared that you're going to think I'm taking things too seriously (which I probably am). I just want... need to know why I'm being ignored, and if I'm not, then do a fucking better job at being my friend, you twat.

happy never seems as artistic for some reason.

Sleeping in really puts everything in perspective. Days shine a little brighter when you've got eight hours of shut-eye. Happier lyrics drifting through the air helps. I'm not going to let today go sour. I'm not. And I've finally come to terms, he's just a friend and I can now move on.

But if he ever wants something more, I'll still say yes.

dear brain, please shut up.

String me along like fish, it's not like I'm worth anything. My own father would agree. It's not like I'm good for anything. I'm just here for your amusement, so use me, use me. I'm tired of gathering dust on this cosmic shelf in the back burner of your mind. Please just use me, use me. Please yourself before me, I don't care. As long as I get the attention I crave it's okay. Play with me, use me, amuse yourself. I'm your toy, boy. Your toy.

headlines in your headlights.

Now I'm wondering if I'm some sort of plague. No one has called me other than parasitic "friends" that only call to gloat. None of the people that I want to hear from seem to care... why is that? People wait until you fall before stepping in to say "I told you so" or "you should have listened" or "you poor thing." They're never there for you when you're not falling, not shattered, to have a good time.

Why is that?

People thrive on the problematic. Higher ratings go to bad news. Morbid curiosity strikes, death is more interesting than life. Train wrecks and crash landings. Headlines. No news is good news, right?

So why can't I shake that there's some vicious rumor circling about me?

sometimes i just think too much.

There are still some things I want to just say, but I can't. Be it because there really is no circumstance or be it that there's no point... but I guess I need to get them off my chest before they stop my heart from beating, my lungs from working.

A small part of me thinks he's only using me because he can't do things himself, and I hate to be so depended on. I'm not channel five, so please stop thinking I'm dedicated, determined, dependable. I'm also not a pair of old people diapers... and I'm not here to fix you or anyone. I'm here to live for myself and if it happens to help some people along the way then that's just a bonus. That tired old wizard, can't he magic himself out of this one? And does he really have to guilt me like that? Does he really have to raise me up on some imaginary pedestal? I'm not worth as much as he thinks I am because I'm far too tarnished and I will eventually show my true colors and he'll leave me just like everyone else. Because I'm not meant to have real friends when I can have shallow, pointless ones.

So I sent him packing, despite how bad it made me feel to do it... but my sanity is worth more than his in my mind (since it is my mind to begin with).

I guess I've changed too much, too fast, or too much in a direction that the people I wanted to impress have decided I'm not impressive.

he's got high apple pie in the sky hopes.

I think I'm letting my hopes get too high, and for nothing. Damnit.

i want to know your plans and how involved in them i am.

& I just want to quit now to make it easier on both our consciences. Because maybe then, we wouldn't have to pretend so much around everyone else. There is still some exhilaration, yet... and I want to desperately consummate something- anything- with you. Maybe it'll cure this madness in my soul...

mindless self indulgence fits you.

Why do you have to be there just when I really need the attention? I'm worried that working together tomorrow will be different because of what happened today. Desperately, I want to ask you if I fucked up and have sent you messages but I'm getting paranoid and freaked out because... it feels like I'm being ignored again and I'm scared of that, now.

I felt so many conflicts today, that I don't know where to start. Should I hope for more or should I just give up now? Because if you don't think this is going to work, I'd rather not risk it until my heart's ready to be shattered again.

at this point the only escape is decapitation.

I hate your uncanny ability to pervade every single one of my thoughts even now. Get out of my head, you vindictive little bitch, because I don't want you in there anymore. Away, be gone, go to places where people might actually care to hear juvenile input.

And don't post a song to me (deny it if you dare, but the truth is obvious) that, when closely inspected, IS ABOUT YOU. It just shows how well you DIDN'T know me. I'm far too mainstream to be an anti-conformist, you stupid little cunt.

I have seen sinking ships go down with more grace than you.

i suppose i should thank you for this.

Because if not for your bullshit, I wouldn't have gold in the form of eloquent words and misshapen thoughts. All things that can be magicked into a lyrical vagueness that makes me feel oh, so clever. Alas, you're still good for something in my life... I hope you're happy (and I mean that in both the most cynical and sincere way possible).

throwing blame like a frisbee (i've never been good at catching those).

You blame me for everything wrong in your life, but did you ever stop to think that you're the only one with the power to ruin your own life? Throwing the blame to someone else is what separates adults and children. Clearly, you are still a child. Accuse me all you want, blame me all you want, but I did nothing wrong (and the fact that I don't have the same beliefs or morals has nothing to do with this). You came to me under false pretenses and you expect an apology?

You want apologies, girl you might hold you breath until your breathing stops forever, forever.

Why should I have to? That was my initial reaction... but I just remembered that phone call outside of his house. If I never apologized for the wrongs I felt I did, then that call was meaningless. When it comes to apologies, I've learned to take what you can get, because it's not worth losing people over something so petty (and it really is petty).

When you can reflect on yourself and admit you're not a God, then we'll talk.

two goodbyes, two different sympathies.

I don't mention names here because the people that are meant to read these entries should always know who they are (and if they've got questions, they should ask me).

Hello, little girl. I hope that you're happy with your choices. I hope you go on to have a good life because I'm better than wishing bad things on you. I'm past that childish stage, and I know that doing that shit gets you nowhere, though I reckon you need to learn this on your own. When you get slapped in the face, that's when you'll see I was right all along. This doesn't mean I'm going to let you ride out without a nice, resounding FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON, though.

You use people. You use them for what you want and when they are no longer useful, you throw them away. The only person that stays by you is your pathetic lap dog of a best friend. That's it. No one leaves you, YOU leave EVERYONE else with stupid reasons, accusations. You're just another emo kid who thinks she knows every-goddamn-thing, but I've got news for you: you DON'T. And when reality slaps you in the face (and I'll be able to hear it no matter where I am), I'm going to say "I told you so."

Still, have a nice life. I'm not as low as you to wish you misery. That's just juvenile. How sad that you think with ideas like that in your head you could possibly win against me.

...

I don't know if you'll even read this, second person who I've had to say goodbye to. I'm not mad. I'm not really upset. We hadn't really reconnected enough for any of that. I still miss the original friendship we had. Maybe we tried too soon.

I don't know why, though, but my mind tells me that had we worked a little harder on this it would have worked. I want to try, but I get the impression you don't. Maybe it's because you have so much going on. Maybe it's because you've outgrown me. I don't really know.

rambling through brambles (will i ever learn?).

Sheep are herded, and I can't help but think that there's something amiss here. Could it be you've a devil on your shoulder whispering tidbits to you? Paranoia is a silly thing. Why should I even bother? If an excuse to be rid of me is so easy to come by, did you ever really want me back? Harsh words for even harsher thoughts. At this point, I'm too numb to care if it's hypothermia (because it's never lupus).

for the first time in a long time, i want to kill myself.

Waste is a terrible thing to mind. Please pay no attention to the girl behind the curtain. She's got too many miles on the odometer. You wouldn't be caught dead in this place, so go. Just go.

Don't try to save her, this is just what she deserves.

This is what I brought you, this you can keep.
This is what I brought, you may forget me.
I promise you a heart, just promise one thing.
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

This is what I brought you, this you can keep.
This is what I brought, you may forget me.
I promise you my heart just promise to sing.
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

This is what I thought, I thought you’d need me.
This is what I thought, so think me naive
I'd promised you a heart, you'd promise to keep.
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.


Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

&some secrets were never meant to be told.

He called me, said he'd told you. And now the cat's out of the bag. What about mine? What about me? Why? Perhaps... and I feel like scum because I couldn't tell you myself. Because I'm too nice. He asked me not to tell you, and I honored that the same way I honor your requests not to tell him anything. Because I'm his friend, too... He didn't care if I told you anything else- anything but that- and I didn't tell you.

Granted, I didn't think it prudent. I can't imagine that it would have been something you necessarily needed to know, but I really wanted to tell you and he told me not to. I have had this guilt saddled on me for a while, now.

And it makes me feel like trash. Really, it does. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please accept this apology. Please. I really hate that I had to take advantage of your trust like that. Please believe me.

I'm so terrified right now.

this is all speculation, really.

Coming to terms with being less than what you want to be is always difficult. And maybe I'm just thinking too much. He might have had to pull a double shift, he might have just ignored me. You can never tell with him because he's missing some vital common sense. He doesn't call to warn me of things such as this, but I can see that he's not alone if he is still at work (so why..?). Knowing who's with him, though, I can see it turning out like this.

But I'm going to prove to him that he's wrong. I don't need him, or anyone else. It's just more fun to pass time with good company. If he wants to be alone that badly, then I'll let him. I'll stop trying and just be and we'll see if he misses it.

something just out of reach.

Casanova; it truly is an inspiring story. And not just for the softcore nature of the video, because there are several bed scenes... but because of the overall message.

What's the point of living if you want nothing? Once you get everything you've ever wanted, what then?

Now I'm scared of ever making it. I don't want to stop wanting. I don't want to stop needing. At that point, I may as well be dead.

Giacomo Casanova always had Henriette to live for, a woman he could never truly have. And perhaps hopeful optimism is being twisted into something unnatural, but I want to try.

No, I will.

should i stay or should i go?

Friends again, or are we? You seem so distant these days, and I'm scared to pry because I don't want to come off as clingy or weird. I suppose it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I can't stand that place and I avoid it if I can... my comfort zone is so much nicer...

And I know you're busy with life... but sometimes I wonder if you're ignoring me.

what if what could have been had been?

I'm sorry, but the whole "I'm going to take over the world" thing gets so childish after a while. Go on and live in your fantasy where you own everything if it makes you feel so much better. I wonder if you realize just how creepy your megalomania sounds.

if you're not looking for something, it always finds you.

I couldn't run today because my wind up wand went missing. Try saying that three times fast. Stuck in suspended animation, circling thoughts, it's not usually a friendly place. I've made a decision and I'm going to help you, even if it kills me. If there's one thing I've learned from Science Fiction is that you can never truly get away from someone who's hellbent on seeking you out.

I guess that means you're fucked.

it's taking all i have not to call him.

Am I just making excuses for his behavior? I'm beginning to think that, more than anything, I'm insulted that he doesn't think I know him well enough to know what he thinks of me or us. Yeah, no one knows the real him- but I've learned the mannerisms of this "him" that he's been around me I'd like to think pretty well.

The only difference was my horrible mood.

Why do I feel like he's never going to let me live this down?

...
Reading my past thoughts... and I wonder how can it be that I'm so naïve?

emotionally masochistic.

I went asking for wisdom and I got it, and it's exactly what I wanted to hear. No one knows him better than he does, and who he is is a closely guarded secret (perhaps even to himself). So how do I get around that one? I don't. I accept him and am probably the only person with the ability to do so, no matter how much this may miff him. Because all I've ever wanted is acceptance for who I am, I can easily accept others' flaws and quirks. As someone outside of myself, it makes no sense why he'd want nothing to do with me (and I have a hard time believing he really has no desire to be around me). Why? Well, he acts like he cares plenty of times no matter how many times he asserts that he doesn't.

True, he wouldn't know romance if it kicked his ass. And maybe this is merely a clue to me to take charge and take what I can get. If he moves, so be it. I'll find a way to keep in touch. Even if he doesn't want to be mine, he'll always be a friend... and it's not unusual for friends to keep up with each other.

I know it doesn't make sense, but I'll keep trying.

redefining "heartache"

Pay no attention to the girl sitting at the back of the room, she's as worthless as she feels. It's only temporary. She'll get her act together eventually, pick up the pieces of the mask and be the person everyone remembers once more. Not this stranger with something so trivial as feelings. Not some emotional car wreck who's only wish is the possibility of attention or reciprocation. It's not bloody likely that he'll ever notice, but on the off-chance that he does, care. And she sits here and wonders why the hell does she even try? Why does she put up with it? There's so much more than meets the eye... and she's too scared to find out what the truth of the matter is.

this is the story of a boy with a broken back.

I can't help but to wonder, now, just how often people talk negatively about me. It may explain the multiple sneezes.

is that it, then? just tell me.

I get it. I really do. You might as well have put my name up in lights, it's obvious enough. I don't know why, but it hurts, hurts that you'd think I'd take away your reason to live. It hurts that your friends who know it's me... that they'd be so callous.

I'm not so low, really... and I know I haven't done anything to deserve your trust lately, but come on. You may not be able to trust me with your life, but you can trust me on this.

I promise you that I will not ruin this for you because of one simple fact- it's only a passing fancy. I know myself well enough, thanks.

if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears...

It's enough to make me want to scream, "WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES" from the highest place I can find. Why do people get off on bringing others down for their fuck ups? Are you not human? Do you not err? If you answered "no" to those rhetorical questions, congratulations. You are God. Now stop salting our wounds and making this world even worse by making it a point to remind us of our imperfection.

Have the balls to stand by me as a friend, even if you don't agree with every little thing I say. I don't agree unconditionally either, I don't expect anyone to do so with me.

get off my back, you're heavy.

I've come to the shocking realization that none of my friends know me. Should I fault them? It's not exactly fair. I suppose it's my fault for not being more true to myself. But this is the stuff friend tests are made of, 'cause once the dust settles people will let me know if they're still willing to be around me or if they want nothing to do with me over a misunderstanding.

Let's hear it for the internet, it's never been as serious as it is now. No one jokes here, if it's typed it's all true.

Get a fucking life OFFLINE.

sometimes the cold of the air reaches your heart.

And while I don't regret a thing, and while I'll say that nothing of value was lost, I'll always miss the good times we had. For once, this isn't about who you think it is. Think back. Farther than a few months- try years. This goes out to all the people that I was friends with back when I was unsure of myself. Before that year when we were all set free to our endeavors. If there's one thing I miss, it's having friends that I can physically hug.

And that's why I cling to him like cellophane.

but it's not like i can give back the air i just breathed...

At any given moment, I don't always shine in the best possible light. Faults riddle me like tectonic shivers and somewhere, somehow I've made enemies. People only hate those most like them at times, but I'm praying to whatever gods there are that I'm nothing like her. Basket cases like that needn't have the liberty of opinion if only to keep them from brainwashing the ignorant. I can only imagine the sack of dung she's whipped up to sling on my name for something any normal person does: make a mistake.

I'd say I'm sorry for being human, but that's impossible.

Give me one good reason to ever trust someone like that and I'll give you ten that dispute it. I guarantee she has done far worse to anyone than I could ever hope to do and yet... well, let's not go down that jealous path.

If you want to talk, then talk. You know how to find me.

oh. you know what, betch? fuck you!

Rally the troops against me, because you know it'll happen. Oh, that tired old llama is back with a terrible vengeance and there's nothing anyone will do about it. We secretly feed off of the energy that hate generates, that fear generates, but didn't we learn anything from Monsters, Inc.? Joy is far more powerful and until humanity sees this truth we'll keep using fear and blame to fill our gauges.

And when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me you're sorry with a straight face?

it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I don't understand you. I really don't. Haven't you learned by now that backpedaling really doesn't get you anywhere? In some bicycles, this even initiates the brake. So what are you doing? Why? Are you stupid? Are you blind? Well, I suppose this can be inferred judging by past actions, but that's just it- judging. I don't want to judge you. I want you to open your eyes. Selfish selflessness is just as bad as regular selfishness.

what did i get myself into, anyway?

Like grains of sand, you're slipping away and I don't know why. You're stuck in an hourglass so I'll catch up to you eventually.

don't waste your time thinking, it's no good for anyone.

And I've made some serious discoveries in the search for myself. First, that the search is turning up nothing and we've dragged this lake for corpses but haven't found a one. I wonder if there's anything out there after all or if it's as mythical as the last unicorn or as big a hoax as Nessie. Maybe this is something I'll only know for sure after I'm dead. Like fingers undoing laces, more of my actuality becomes apparent to me and I'm convinced that if it wasn't for these questions that I'd never make such progress.

And for that, I'm truly thankful.

your line is, "of course i only dream of peace."

Talking to him and I can't help but smile. Even if he's not being agreeable by any means. A normal person might be frustrated by even this (now) but I'll only go back to it later. Blame a passive nature, inheritance from my dear father. There's something about him that I can't deny and I'm not sure what it is (but it's far from magic). And maybe if I'm waiting for magic I'm waiting for the wrong thing. No one really knows what it feels like, no one can describe it- not even that blasted owl. And it shouldn't be compared to the past tries, because they'll never...

I wish I had the courage to ask him to talk about these things and that I believed he would actually do this, seeing as it's so hard to get past the crust.

in the haze of the morning after...

Post-orgasmic euphoria is the worst time to try to think on gloomy topics… but I try anyway. What does it all mean? Part of me is happy- he said he didn’t want to hit it unless he knew if he loved me… but the other part’s saying “Well, he did say that as long as I asked for a fuck, he’d have a hard dick.” Sometimes I wonder just how crazy he really is because I can never be sure with him. You never know when he’s joking or not… and at times it can get utterly frustrating.

I’m not sure which is worse- the possibility of being used, or the fact that as long as he’s fucking me I’m okay with the idea.

so what's a crush to do?

So drown your mind out and scar your liver, it’s not like you need it anyway. Slow-motion feelings have a way with words. On the outside, looking into my own life I see a lonely girl with potential and no real desire. There’s more to her than meets the eye, if only she knew… and even if I told myself all of this it doesn’t matter because life isn’t worth it to me if I’m alone. I’m the kind of kid that needs attention and if I’m not getting it then I’m better off dead. No, don’t think like that, honey. Do you really want to put your friends through that? What friends are those? Why, you have so many you don’t even know. But what’s the use if they never make their presence known? You’ve got me there, kid.

All I wanted was one measly phone call. Was it really so much to ask?

I know what I’m afraid of, but the real question is do you? Falling in love shouldn’t be scary, but I know where you’re coming from (perhaps all too well). I just wish you’d trust me. I just wish I knew all the details. I want to understand where you’re coming from because while I can relate, I’ll never really know. I’m not you, no matter how much I wish I was. I just can’t get into your head…

Overheated and dimwitted by now, I’ll leave my thoughts to circle. It’s time to go back to pretending that life is a game with little plastic vans you stick people on top of.